Change is Good. Really.

I HATE CHANGE.

There I said it. That wasn't so bad to admit. So if I hate change, why am I trying to pursue something that will most definitely change my life 100 million percent? Who the hell knows? I think I might be one of those people who likes pain - a masochist. Yea, that's me. DiamondMomma the Masochist! Anyway, one of the side effects of hating change is that you can become very immature and selfish. You forget that other people have problems of their own and that what's going on in your life may not be as important to them as it is to you. You want people to stay young forever, have time to go the mall on a random Tuesday or stay on the phone for 2 hours discussing the most recent episode of "The Real Housewives of NJ". Its ok to have boyfriends and get married and have babies, but only if we all are doing this at the same time and no one is changing faster then you.

A huge reason for starting this blog was that I felt I needed an outlet for my ramblings. I needed to be able to talk about the crazy thoughts going through my TTC brain without draining the life out of my friends and family, if I haven't already. Ignorance is not something I have a problem with, so I do realize is that bringing a baby into the world as a selfish and immature person who hates change may not be the most healthiest thing to do, so I have made a promise to myself to work to overcome these thoughts and actions.

For those who don't know, I am a huge fan of therapy. Some people like to keep the fact that they are in therapy hush-hush, but for me I don't shy away from sharing the fact that I go. I think it helps people understand why I am the way I am, that I have issues that need to be worked out and I'm trying to do that. Therapy has also made me really admit to the things about myself I need to change.

I started going to my most recent therapist to deal with a diagnosis of Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS). (You are welcome to Google this one if you don't know what IBS is...but let's just say if you need to know where the most accessible and cleanest bathrooms are in the Philadelphia area are, I'm your girl.) I have a history of anxiety, depression and panic disorder and my stomach was starting to take over my daily life and it made me even more nervous thinking about babies when I felt so unstable physically and mentally. At the suggestion of my doctor, I found a therapist that specialized in anxiety and patients with IBS and have found over the last 6 months that talking about all my issues has helped with not only controlling my IBS, but brought some pretty strong emotions to the surface.

The downside to therapy is that you have to admit some pretty horrible things about yourself, for example, that you hate change and you have a tendency to be very selfish and immature. Having a baby will probably be the most mature and unselfish thing I do in the future and for someone with these qualities, I needed to decide really quickly if I am capable of letting them go and if I was really ready for this TTC thing to happen. Since you are reading this blog, you know I am in the process of TTC, meaning yes, I am working on accepting change and getting all this negativity out of my head. It won't happen overnight, but TTC doesn't necessarily happen overnight either (well, technically it can happen the first time you try, but you understand what I'm getting at), so thankfully I have some time to work through this stuff. And while it scares the living daylights out of me, I have never been more excited for the change that TTC will bring. And trust me, when "Little D" arrives in the world, selfish is the last thing that will be going through my mind. I will have no problem sharing diaper duty with anyone who wants to help.

Catching up to the rest of them....

One thing I have noticed about making babies or even just having a baby is that it changes you and your relationships with other people. The friends who were known as the "life of the party" and could do twice as many shots as the frat boys are now changing poopy diapers and covered in spit up. Random trips to the shore for the weekend don't happen anymore. Your friends with babies are too busy with naptime or feeding time or any other time that involves their new bundle of joy. Having a baby is a wonderful amazing experience, or so I have been told, and even though I am all about being a member in this exclusive club, its still hard to face that fact that your friendships will and are going to change. Personally, I have always felt that I have been steps behind most of my friends. When I was single, they had boyfriends. When I had a boyfriend, they were getting engaged. When I got engaged, they were already married and talking about babies. When I got married, they were my pregnant bridesmaids. Just when I thought I had finally "joined the club" and was ready to tell them about my husband and I "making babies", 2nd babies were already on their minds. Needless to say, I have been trying to catch up for years. Now that I finally feel that I am getting as close as I ever will, it seems like all my worrying and stress was for nothing.

Ultimately, I've learned that its really not a big deal if I catch up or not. Honestly, I probably never will. What I have learned from over analyzing this entire situation (which I know is a bad habit of mine and I promise will eventually stop doing) is that I need to see the bigger picture. Its not just me who is feeling left behind. A single friend of mine recently confessed that she feels I am not around enough and that marriage has changed me. It was a huge eye opener for me. I can't be upset at the friends who might be moving up in life a little faster then me because there is always going to be someone out there who feels they are trying to catch up to someone else. People will move on with life and relationships will change, so I have and am growing to accept that these changes are out of my control and part of being an adult. I am excited to have a baby, and as marriage has, having one will probably change me more. I am ok with it and hope that the friends that are not quite at where I am at, will be ok with me. I am ok with my friends who already have babies and are even working on their 2nd and even 3rd. They are going to be great resources when my time comes and I should take advantage of them being just a little ahead of me in the game.